Articles

Cleaning Up Our Messes at Work – Emotional Intelligence Applied

February 14, 2011 By Bette Hoffman Leave a Comment

It would be so nice if everything went as planned at work. And we know that is not going to happen! That’s because we are human and that means we have emotions. We react to each other and get triggered in the moment. Then we say something we don’t mean to say or say it in a way that we don’t intend. It may be an example of “open mouth wide and insert foot”! The question is can we use our emotional intelligence to rectify the damage?

Our voice may carry a harsh tone or our words may sound of blame, we might not stop to fully regard the other person and communicate that by continuing to type away at our keyboard and not engaging in direct eye contact. As a result we create unintended impact. We have created a bit of a mess to clean up.

These interactions chip away at the fabric of our trust and can damamge cooperative relationships for the short term and the long haul. The result can be resentment, avoidance, decreased willingness to work as a team etc.

I recently had the honor of working with coaching clients who were working on repairing their strained relationship. The power of apologizing served them to move way beyond the unintended impact. The relationship has now far surpassed its original ability to function effectively to serve their aligned mission.

Are there work relationships where you may have had an unintended impact?
Is there a past mess that you might need to go back to clean up? Is there tension or avoidance?
What relationships, if they were stronger, would better serve the mission of your organization?

It can be somewhat uncomfortable to initiate the clean-up but well worth the effort.

Filed Under: career, coaching, emotional intelligence, leadership, self-improvement, stress management, workplace conflict

When 1 + 1 Does NOT Add Up

February 1, 2011 By Bette Hoffman Leave a Comment

In the February Issue of Yolo e-Tips the “IF – THEN” formula is dispelled.

At one time or another we all add wrong. I’m not referring to the adding we do on a calculator. I am referring to “IF-THEN” addition formula. It sounds like this:

“IF I say what I believe… THEN I will be seen as a loudmouth.”
“IF I ask for what I need…THEN I will be considered as selfish.”
“IF I bring up an alternative view…THEN I will be called a naysayer.”
“IF I tell my staff that we will need to change…THEN I am a meanie.”

The list goes on infinitum.

This is the impact of “IF-THEN” ing:

We say it as if it is true beyond a doubt.
Then we come to believe that it an absolute truth (like 1 +1 =2). It becomes imprinted in cement, beyond question- a disempowering belief!
We buy in to it and operate as if it is true – backing ourselves into a small corner and we become TRAPPED !
Then we are without choice.

It plays out and becomes a cycle.

You don’t speak up at work to avoid being a loudmouth.
In your silence your voice doesn’t get heard and you don’t have the impact you want to have.
You feed your resentment and job satisfaction and engagement goes down.

How to Challenge IF-THEN…

Sounds like “IF I do this THEN …” OR …”IF I say this THEN…”

We make as if it is an absolute truth. We get trapped like a rat by this disempowering belief. It can immobilize us or at the very least have us act in a restricted way. So how might we deal with our IF – THEN tendency?

Tips for challenging “IF-THEN … “

1. Notice:

Just notice when you are doing it. Something as simple as saying to yourself – “Hmm… there I go with that IF -THEN stuff!” You have to catch yourself in the act!

2. Poke:

Gently begin to poke at the belief – question it. What part of this might be true? What part of it might NOT be true?

3. Entertain:

If this were NOT true what might you say or do?

————————————————————————————————————————————

If you try this you’ll find your thinking will open up, you’ll begin to entertain a variety of perspectives you hadn’t previously considered! You’ll break free of the trap of IF-THEN thinking!

What are the other ways YOU deal with IF-THEN thinking in yourself OR others???

Your voice is welcomed here!

My Best to Your Best…

Bette

YOLO…You Only Live Once

Filed Under: Articles

Novelty and Your Brain

January 10, 2011 By Bette Hoffman 1 Comment

In many ways, we as humans are creatures of habit. We may eat the same meals each week, sit at the same place at the conference table, write the report in the same format, make requests in the same way, look at a recurring problem through the same lens. Although sameness can be efficient in many ways, it can also have a deadening effect.

Our brains like and want some novelty in small to intermediate dosages. The region of the brain that detects something contrary to what is expected actually lights up. However, when there is too much change the brain goes on “high alert” as in a warning system. Dopamine, the chemical of interest, rises when the brain detects novelty. Nor epinephrine, the chemical of alertness, increases when arousal increases. When you hear the sound of glee or see the look of sheer wonder in the face of child who has discovered the workings of a new toy, you are witnessing these chemicals at work.

That explains why I recently felt like a kid in wonder again when I learned a new rhythm in my Taiko drumming class. In addition to being a great brain challenge, on a very fundamental level it just plain feels good!

How can you apply this knowledge at work or beyond? You can pump up your dopamine level and your interest by introducing novelty in any form. It could be a change of perspective or introducing humor. Imagine if as a leader in your organization you chose to sit at the opposite side of the table how that might pique interest -yours and your team’s? Something as simple as that can shift energy and shake up the status quo. What is another way you might deliver that report to engage and wake-up your audience to your main points?

To pump up your adrenaline level, you can imagine a mild fear. Or ask yourself. “If I were to do something daring about ___ what would that be?” You’ll notice something different about your energy and will be more inclined to move into action, even a more bold action.

Suggestions going forward:

1. Curious to know more about how your brain works and how you can work smarter? Read Your Brain at Work by David Rock.

2. Try something new this week or try something familiar in a new way. And see what happens! Conversely, if you are on overwhelm, hold steady and wait on adding novelty.

3. If you are not on my “Steppin’ Up – The Power of Expression for Women” mailing list and would like to be, please let me know.

To You and Your Best,
Bette
Bette Hoffman

781-444-9638

bette@yolocoaching.com

Filed Under: leadership Tagged With: coaching, emotional intelligence, executive coaching, leadership, work performance

Being Present

May 4, 2010 By Bette Hoffman Leave a Comment

Hello Readers!

In my (sort of) monthly YOLO…You Only Live Once newsletter I wrote about “… a Failure to Communicate” and being present. I relayed a story about an interaction I witnessed that saddened me where someone was totally absent from the scene – Really AWOL – like there was an invisible wall between her and others.

Lately, in separate discussions with several friends we marveled at how busy people seem and how many balls people seem to be juggling at any given time. The volume and frequency of interactions with others through technology, especially phone and email, are supposed to connect us, yet so often seems to divide us – making quantity count over quality. Then we find we feel overwhelmed and disconnected from self and others.

It’s okay to call me old-fashioned because I adore a simple, old fashioned, lingering, face-to-face, one-to-one conversation over tea. I still cherish a memory from over 20 years ago when a friend and I shared an impromptu morning sitting on a stoop in San Francisco drinking coffee, munching on bagels and chattering away for hours without any sense of time. How often do we let ourselves do that anymore?

What brings you present to yourself, with others?

Love to hear what you have to say!

My Best,

Bette

Filed Under: coaching, creativity, happiness, self-improvement, women

Passion Speaks

October 21, 2009 By Bette Hoffman 2 Comments

Bookmark - Side 1

Hello Everyone!

I enjoyed writing about Passion in my recent e-zine newsletter. Passion is really a strong word- maybe even so strong a word that we shy away from it. AND, we all know what it means for us. It could be that it conjures up images of lustful sexual desire and romance novels. Here I am referring to a really strong drive, desire or interest- something that brings great pleasure.

What are you passionate about? What gets your mojo going? Recently, when I walked with a friend in the woods she told her story about her recent family trip to the US Midwest. She described in the most vivid, technicolor detail the idyllic hike she took with her family in an astounding canyon. Her entire being expressed the passion she felt; her almost glassy eyes, her voice, her word choice and her body language. I almost felt like I was there too. When passion speaks you hear it AND feel it.

What do you get passionate about? What lights you up. There’s enough bad news in the media. This is a feel good place. So let’s start a passion poll!

Complete any sentence you choose or create your own!

I love it when_______________________________________

I get fired up when I talk about the time when______________

I can’t wait until I get to ________________________ again

I wish every day I could have the experience of____________

I feel so alive when__________________________________

Can’t wait to here what you have to say.

My Best,

Bette

YOLO…You Only Live Once

www.yolocoaching.com

bette@yolocoaching.com

Filed Under: coaching, creativity, happiness, self-improvement, women

The Law of Attraction – Lessons from a 14 Year Old

April 29, 2008 By Bette Hoffman 1 Comment

$Aaron aka \$

The Secret is all about how to ignite the Law of Attraction. Some people read books on the LOA. Others watch DVDs about it – my method is a bit different – I just watch my son Aaron. He has just turned 14 years old and seems to have completely mastered the LOA principles. He is passionate about drumming and, no exaggeration, he seems to have become a virtual drum magnet.

Every waking hour that he is not doing homework, walking the dog or responding to some other mom-initiated nagging request, he is consumed with drums. I noticed the LOA was in effect when drums first started appearing at the front door. His summer camp director was giving away an old drum set and Aaron wanted to refurbish it. Then another friend gave him a drum. Then a pile of drum magazines were delivered by a friend of the family. Then the television show, America’s Got Talent, asked him to come audition in New York City. Then his past drum teacher came to the house to prepare him for his audition and in hand, yes, a drum!

For his birthday this past week, we arranged for him to have a surprise drum lesson with Mike Mangini, the fastest drummer in the world, who teaches at Berkeley School of Music.

As you can imagine, he was in seventh heaven.

At a recent drum show, he was asked to endorse a small custom drum company… and I could go on, but I will spare you.

So for now, Aaron is one happy camper, developing his passion and skill and making no bones about broadcasting his love of drumming to the world. As more square footage of his room is covered with drums, his LOA flame burns wildly and I smile as I watch my drum magnet happily work his magic!

Kids are great teachers.

Help Us Bring Bongo Love Back to Boston

In my last post I shared how Bongo Love, an afro-acoustic band from Zimbabwe enriched my life and the lives of many adults and children by sharing their music, spirit and culture Bongo Love. Now, together with our friends from Plugged In Plugged In, a teen band program that teaches kids how to combine music and social activism, we are trying to bring them back to the US for another music tour. In Zimbabwe, life is hard with no work, little food and rampant political oppression. Performing their joy-filled music in the US affords them the opportunity to make much-needed money to send back to their families.

If you have frequent flyer miles you can share or have a venue, school, graduation or corporate event you would like them to play at please let us know. They will rock the house. They played at Madison Square Garden at the Dispatch for Zimbabwe concert and the crowd loved them!

Thank you!

Bette

781-444-9638

bette@YoloCoaching.com

Filed Under: Articles

The Power of Intention

March 6, 2008 By Bette Hoffman Leave a Comment

I am a convert – now, I believe in the power of intention. This is an unusual story about how music and dance and love of ethnic diversity made its way back into my life.

I used to be all about goals and getting real specific on what I wanted and how I intended to carve the path to get there – and that worked most of the time, yet it had a restrictive quality to it. Can you feel it? I can even feel it as I write this. The power of intention works differently, maybe in a softer, more mysterious way. This story illustrates it.

Last year, I was talking with an old friend, with whom I enjoyed lots of ethnic dance classes when we were in our 20’s. We had many fun and funky times together. Many years later she is still dancing, cutting up the dance floor with her Samba steps. She asked me if I was still dancing. Sheepishly I admitted, “Well, if you count shaking my hips as I walk down the hall with my laundry basket – then yes, I am dancing!” When I heard that I had to ask myself, “How is she’s still dancing and I’m not – when I love it just as much?” Then quietly, behind the scenes of my thinking mind, I set my intention to be open to the energy of dance and music. That’s when it began to unfold.

One of my sons, Aaron, plays awesome drums in a teen band program, Plugged In. While planning their January 2006 concert, Plugged In made contact with the Music Crossroads Southern Africa project who aims through a combination of music, self-awareness and HIV/Aids education, to empower African musicians to build a self-sustainable cross-border youth music structure in the Southern African Development Community. Music Crossroads contacted Plugged In to see if there was interest in having one of their new bands, Bongo Love, come to Boston for a cultural exchange with Plugged In students. Bongo Love was participating in a music festival in the Dominican Republic in October – and was able to stop by Boston area on their way from Zimbabwe to the Dominican Republic.

The genre of music Bongo Love plays is called “Afrocoustics”, a unique combination of styles delivered on traditional instruments. This arranged stop in the US was a major treat for them! Little did we know of the bonds that were in store for us.
Almost immediately we connect on a deep level with the Bongo Love musicians left to right, Themba, Trymore, Godfrey and John.

Power of Intention The deal is sealed as Aaron, ties home-made friendship bracelets on Trymore’s (L) and Godfrey’s (R) wrists. During their weeklong stay they fill our hearts and home with music and dancing! After they left we maintained a strong connection.

In January 2007, Plugged In was contacted by Hannah Wahl, a young woman from Seattle, who had recently traveled to Zimbabwe with a marimba band in which she played. While in Zimbabwe, she met Bongo Love, and fell in love with their music. She decided that when she returned to the states, she would bring Bongo Love here for a tour. Through the combined efforts of Hannah and Plugged In, Bongo Love was granted a performance visa with enough donated frequent flyer miles to make the trip to Boston….in time to surprise Aaron at his Bar Mitzvah and perform at his party on May 5th, the day after their arrival.

“Grace” appears to be at work when on that SAME day when Bongo Love was invited by the Elias Fund to perform at the Elias Fest, a day-long fundraising concert in Acton, MA. Chad Urmston, of Dispatch, who was performing at the concert with State Radio, invited Bongo Love to join in on one of the band’s songs. The crowd went crazy – they left a lasting impression.

Bongo Love

Bongo Love’s US tour included stops in several cities including New York City. The stop in New York City coincided with the dates of the Dispatch reunion concert, Dispatch: Zimbabwe, on July 13, 14 and 15, 2007. Dispatch was interested in having a Zimbabwean band perform at the concert. Bongo Love, already here and scheduled to be in New York, was the perfect fit. Bongo Love was invited to a Dispatch rehearsal in New York. Dispatch offered Bongo Love the opportunity to perform on all three nights of the DISPATCH: ZIMBABWE – LIVE AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN sold-out concerts.

Our goodbye last year before they returned to Zimbabwe was an exuberant hugging
backstage at Madison Square Garden after we watched their performance with Dispatch. “Goodbye, Jewish Mother- we love you!”- were their departing words.

All coincidence? I know don’t know. What I do know is that we are planning a fundraiser to bring them back again. I am also taking a Hip Hop class and cross my fingers, so far, my body has agreed to come along for the ride. Although the oldest in class, I feel like a teenager again. AND this week I was asked to bring some Afro-Caribbean FUNK into the upcoming International Coaching Federation’s New England conference.

Here’s to the power of intention!

Filed Under: self-improvement Tagged With: coaching, intention, life coaching, self-improvement

What's with the Name Yolo?

October 24, 2007 By Bette Hoffman 1 Comment

Truthfully, when I “try” to be creative it is like pulling a steroid-enhanced rabbit with muscle-bound legs out of a hat… it just won’t budge. That’s how it’s been trying to rename my business. “It” has dodged and teased me ruthlessly, hiding behind trees and bushes, until just recently.

A dear friend, also a coach, saw my huffing and puffing around name-finding and requested that I “let it go” for a bit. She saw I was white-knuckling-it and getting nowhere fast. As I pried my fingers loose from the project she said, “I have a feeling it is just going to fall effortlessly into your lap”. Sure – that was likely impossible. But that is exactly what happened… the very next day!

A wonderful client and I were spending our final session bringing closure on our coaching relationship. He is a terrific young man in his prime who deals with the challenge of living with two chronic diseases and has had at least 2 brushes with death. He has come to know how precious life is and, through coaching, more of who he wants to be in his lifetime.

I asked, “What are you bringing forward from your coaching that you want to remember?’

He quickly replied, “That’s easy, I am going to tattoo it on my leg so I always have it right in front of me”.

“What’s that?”, on the tip of my chair with curiosity. He explained, “Its simple – YOLO, it means You Only Live Once – I want to remember that every day”.

My eyes teared up (that always happens when a deep truth is shared), and I was almost speechless because it really encapsulated so much of what I hope for my clients.

Later I managed to mutter “….I may have to steal that”.

He responded with “You don’t have to steal it; I want you to have it!”

And that’s how it happened. Gifts come in unexpected packages! Thank you Jonathan!

You may want to ponder: Where might YOU be holding on too tightly? Where might there be some “room” needed so something new might come into your life?

Please visit me at www.yolocoaching.com

Filed Under: career, coaching, creativity, happiness, stress management Tagged With: branding, business name, coaching, creativity, stress

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Are there work relationships where you may have had an unintended impact?

Is there a past mess that you might need to go back to clean up? Is there tension or avoidance?

What relationships, if they were stronger, would better serve the mission of your organization?

How to Challenge IF-THEN…

Tips for challenging “IF-THEN … “

1. Notice:

2. Poke:

3. Entertain:

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